Want to Help People? Pt 2, Discover the Lost Art of Listening

 I teach a public speaking class. In that class, I teach listening. You would think you shouldn't have to teach high school students how to listen, but you do. In fact, I think a whole lot of the American population has no idea how to really listen. We can hear just fine, and we even pay attention, but do we listen?

First off, what is hearing? It is simply the reception of sound. You can hear noise, you may be aware of it, but if there isn't any meaning created, then you are just hearing. I hear stuff all the time, but I don't put any meaning behind it. Our world generates a lot of noise, but it is just meaningless vibrations. I hear them, but I don't put any thought into them. As a result, whatever I hear goes into my working memory and then exits just as quickly.

Now we can pay attention. We turn our attention to the source of the noise for various reasons. Sometimes it catches our attention, sometimes we want to make it stop. We pay attention to it, but we don't create meaning from it. It is a noise we turn towards, even acknowledge and then move on. Unfortunately, this is what many call "listening". We are not really listening, we are just waiting for our turn to talk. By paying attention without listening, we are not really taking in any of the information, we are simply waiting for the other party to be done speaking. Five minutes after the conversation took place, we can't really recall any of the information from the conversation. We are not exactly sure what was said or what took place. We were paying attention, but the information never made it past the short-term memory. As a result, it didn't take long for it to be gone.

Listening requires several mental steps. First, you hear the sounds. You pay attention to it, it moves into your short-term or working memory. From there, the information needs to be categorized. You think about what was said, and it moves into the part of your brain that makes sense and orders things. You integrate what is heard into your existing body of knowledge. The new information then becomes part of your mental filing system. You retain the information, you integrate the information. It becomes a part of you.

Here is a secret. You can't do this while you are doing something else. You can only process one piece of information this way at a time. If you are on your cell phone, the area that has your primary attention (ie, your cell phone) will have the information becomes integrated into your mental file system. Many people have a mental file system filled with pointless and meaningless information. How many videos of cats do we need in our minds? The problem is we are missing much of what is said and what is being told. People pour our hearts to us, be we are often preoccupied mentally or simply don't have the compassion to really give it the thought that is required. We have to do some mental work in order to really listen. Passive listening is just hearing, in order to really listen, you must actively think and process what is being said. That must be integrated into your existing knowledge for it to really get into your mind. Do the work, actually take the time and energy to listen to people. Only by listening can you build an understanding. Without understanding someone, you will never really be much of a help to them.