Saturday, January 26, 2013

2013 Theme

Well, it's almost the end of January, and I think I have settled on a theme for 2013.  My theme for this year is "Don't lose sleep over it".  I am going to live in a way to not violate my conscience and do things I stress over or feel guilty about.  2012 was a hard year, and I don't want to rehash it lest I get myself in trouble for saying things I'm not allowed to say.  Much of what happened in 2012 left sleepless nights and stress and struggles and hurts.  I am not going to repeat that in 2013, I am going to stop playing games and just live life the way I know is right.

So here is my visual picture.  I am going to get a nice creeper, the rolling things mechanics lay on to roll under cars.  I am going to strap it too my back.  It will do two things, first no one will be able to stab me in the back, cause I have the creeper protecting me.  Then, if someone throws me under the bus, I can just hang on and roll with it.  Ya feel me?  Just roll with it.

Thanks for everyone who has read my blog and prayed for me.  I have made my share of mistakes and I did some things wrong in the last few years.  I take full responsibility for my actions, but I am done being the fall guy for the failure of others.  I am just gonna roll with it.  Anyone wanna roll with me?

Monday, January 7, 2013

House Church thoughts

As I talked with a good friend of mine today, we talked about experiences of true fellowship. Sharing the joy of our salvation in a group and praising God. I think a church should be a place to share with others, and I am not sure we have created that in the existing, traditional, institutional church. We have squelched too much interaction and scripted too much.

In the early church, they were sharing, bringing scripture, testimony, songs and prayers. They gave of themselves, and their giving all went to the relief of the saints. They never did rolls, they didn't pass a plate, there was no greeting time or alter call. It was so much more natural. They didn't need instructions. Do we have that today?

In the early church, there were no Children's programs, no youth groups, no couples classes, just the church. They were all together, they all learned and grew. There wasn't this idea of a simple class or a complex or advanced class. They were together.

Does not having this sort of structure help us today? Are we spiritually in a better place than the early church? Why do places that have the simple, house church idea thrive, while we have all this freedom and are dying? Maybe we have missed something.

Saturday, January 5, 2013

Forgiveness- an open letter,

There is an old song by Don Henley, he said "I've been trying to get down to the heart of the matter, and my will gets weak and my thoughts seem to scatter but I think it's about forgiveness."  I can tell you it's all about forgiveness.  I want to write a letter that is going to apply to multiple areas in my life.  I am thinking generally, with some specifics.  Read this as the cry of my heart and not as a letter "TOO" someone, because it might just be to you. . . but probably lot.  Some of those who inspired this letter are now gone, which causes heartache.  It's time I write this for everyone to read, because part of it may be for you.

To You:

I have wronged you in some ways.  We don't agree and we don't see eye to eye.  We are as different is the day is long and that's ok.  In some ways it was a good thing, but in many ways it was a bad thing.  I  am sorry for the ways I was wrong, for the things I have done wrong and the ways I hurt you.  I am far from perfect and in many way, I am weak.  I have found solace in knowing that Christ's strength is perfected in my weakness, He has so many opportunities to be strong in my life.  I am easily overwhelmed, I don't take criticism well, I am often in over my head, but I didn't ask for help, I didn't communicate well, and I made a lot of mistakes When things ended, I tried so hard to do everything right, but things came out so wrong.  I am not going to say anymore how, because I have been told over and over how wrong I have been in sharing my hurts, so I won't.  I will just say it didn't go how I thought it would go.

In the same way, I have to forgive. This is transparency, I feel like I need to admit my faults so I can be prayed for.  A wise man told me that once, and the scripture is clear on that.  I have been bombarded with scripture, some that has healed me, and sometime we try to weaponise scripture, but I've seen so much damage and abuse done to scripture that it hurts me.  The amount of isogesis that happens when people conflict with scripture as a weapon is staggering.  I think you did a lot wrong.  I think you continue to do many things very wrong, but it's not my job to fix them.  It's not my place to point them out anymore, you have people to do that for you.  I have seen things you did that hurt others, I have seen you do damage to scripture, do damage in teaching and I don't agree with some of your theological teaching.  I think you are wrong, and I am concerned about it.

I want you to know I forgive you.  I hope you forgive me too.  I have tried really hard to always be honest, feel like I was then flooded in half truths, untruths and political maneuvering.  It's ok because I'm moving on.  I'm healing, I'm better, it's taken years and decades, and also months and weeks and days and hours..  I love you and I hope and pray that everything goes great in the future.  In may ways I miss you, but in many ways I know the less we are in contact, the better.

Friday, January 4, 2013

Feeling Great

I have been struggling, writing has been a great healer for me. The time I have spent with good friends and my family. It's a new year and i'm moving forward. Thank so much for everyone's support and prayer. There is still lots of trials and struggles ahead, but that conforms us to the image of Christ.

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

The Hiding Makes Me Frusterated

I have a struggle today. There is something that I can't really share or talk about because a decision was made for me. People see that choice and they believe I am irresponsible and I don't take care of my family. In reality, the choice was made for me, I was hurt and wounded and the arrows continue to fall. It was said it's for my good, but if it was for my good, why is it so bad? I can't talk about it, things are hidden, is that good? I don't feel like I am being honest by being a scape goat. I'm frustrated but trying.