Friday, December 21, 2012

The Switchbacks

So I had a dream that I was walking up a mountain road, switchback after switchback. The road was well maintained, but the sides were steep and covered with sharp rocks of all sizes. As I walked up the mountain, something came and knocked me off the road and I tumbled down the rocks. I was cut and bruised and hurting as I got up and looked at where I fell from. I was close to the road below, and I could easily walk down a little ways and get back on the road, but instead I decided to try to climb back up the steep and rocky hill to the place I was. I didn't want to lose ground, so I struggled and fell and pushed and tried to climb.

During the midst of my climb, I realized what a fool I was being. I needed to get back on the road, not attempt to scale the steep hill. It would cause me to lose some ground, but it would be more effective to walk along the road. Climbing was getting me nowhere. I turned and carefully made my way down to the road and began to walk again.  Back on the road once again, I began to walk back to where I was, saving myself a tremendous amount of pain and suffering.

I realized that I have been living this dream out. I have been fighting to try to get back to the place I was.  I have pushed myself to climb a path that is not a path at all. Walking the narrow road may be difficult, but taking a short cut is impossible. The narrow road is long and winding full of switchbacks, and sometimes there are setbacks. We must stay on the path and continue the course without trying to get ahead of ourselves, take a short cut or find a better way. The road is the place to be. Blessings for the journey.

Saturday, December 8, 2012

The Torment of Melancholy

Charles H. Spurgeon has the mal-order of melancholy.  He didn't like it, in fact he loathed it, and I think he experiences the same issues I struggle with.  I have dreams and goals and projects.  I am writing a couple books, have a theological idea, a non-profit envisioned, a personal calling, a goal and lots of small projects along the way.  My depression so often cripples me from getting them done.  I can't explain why I can't just push through with willpower, I don't even understand it myself.  To try to explain it to someone who doesn't experience depression is impossible.  I can't understand why I can't snap myself, I can't put the debilitation into words.  I can usually force myself through the have-tos, like going to work and eating.  I can sometimes push myself through the shoulds, but the wants tos always fall by the wayside.

Here is my second issue, the more things get neglected, the more I become angry at myself.  I become so enraged at my lack of ability to get thing accomplished that I begin to spiral into a pit.  I think CHS experienced in his spiral of depression.  I think he found places where he was angry at himself.  It makes me so frustrated when people look at me and say I just have a lazy spirit of entitlement, that I just don't want to try and don't want to work.  In reality I am as prideful as every American male who wants to work hard and be successful.  More than that, I have dreams and passions to see people find a place in ministry, and I am driven by a desire to make a difference.  Yet here I sit again, crippled on the road side.

Do you struggle with depression?  Maybe we should meet, talk about it or something.  Maybe it would help to have a depression meeting to talk about how we strengthen each other.  I don't know of any other answer anymore,  Let's pray for each other, maybe we can fight against this thing that holds us captive.