Saturday, December 8, 2012

The Torment of Melancholy

Charles H. Spurgeon has the mal-order of melancholy.  He didn't like it, in fact he loathed it, and I think he experiences the same issues I struggle with.  I have dreams and goals and projects.  I am writing a couple books, have a theological idea, a non-profit envisioned, a personal calling, a goal and lots of small projects along the way.  My depression so often cripples me from getting them done.  I can't explain why I can't just push through with willpower, I don't even understand it myself.  To try to explain it to someone who doesn't experience depression is impossible.  I can't understand why I can't snap myself, I can't put the debilitation into words.  I can usually force myself through the have-tos, like going to work and eating.  I can sometimes push myself through the shoulds, but the wants tos always fall by the wayside.

Here is my second issue, the more things get neglected, the more I become angry at myself.  I become so enraged at my lack of ability to get thing accomplished that I begin to spiral into a pit.  I think CHS experienced in his spiral of depression.  I think he found places where he was angry at himself.  It makes me so frustrated when people look at me and say I just have a lazy spirit of entitlement, that I just don't want to try and don't want to work.  In reality I am as prideful as every American male who wants to work hard and be successful.  More than that, I have dreams and passions to see people find a place in ministry, and I am driven by a desire to make a difference.  Yet here I sit again, crippled on the road side.

Do you struggle with depression?  Maybe we should meet, talk about it or something.  Maybe it would help to have a depression meeting to talk about how we strengthen each other.  I don't know of any other answer anymore,  Let's pray for each other, maybe we can fight against this thing that holds us captive.

1 comment:

  1. there is an amazing man right at your "back door" that could help to support and walk you through this trial. He could meet you right where you are at and be able to understand and relate to the bondage of depression.