Want to Help People? Pt 2, Discover the Lost Art of Listening

 I teach a public speaking class. In that class, I teach listening. You would think you shouldn't have to teach high school students how to listen, but you do. In fact, I think a whole lot of the American population has no idea how to really listen. We can hear just fine, and we even pay attention, but do we listen?

First off, what is hearing? It is simply the reception of sound. You can hear noise, you may be aware of it, but if there isn't any meaning created, then you are just hearing. I hear stuff all the time, but I don't put any meaning behind it. Our world generates a lot of noise, but it is just meaningless vibrations. I hear them, but I don't put any thought into them. As a result, whatever I hear goes into my working memory and then exits just as quickly.

Now we can pay attention. We turn our attention to the source of the noise for various reasons. Sometimes it catches our attention, sometimes we want to make it stop. We pay attention to it, but we don't create meaning from it. It is a noise we turn towards, even acknowledge and then move on. Unfortunately, this is what many call "listening". We are not really listening, we are just waiting for our turn to talk. By paying attention without listening, we are not really taking in any of the information, we are simply waiting for the other party to be done speaking. Five minutes after the conversation took place, we can't really recall any of the information from the conversation. We are not exactly sure what was said or what took place. We were paying attention, but the information never made it past the short-term memory. As a result, it didn't take long for it to be gone.

Listening requires several mental steps. First, you hear the sounds. You pay attention to it, it moves into your short-term or working memory. From there, the information needs to be categorized. You think about what was said, and it moves into the part of your brain that makes sense and orders things. You integrate what is heard into your existing body of knowledge. The new information then becomes part of your mental filing system. You retain the information, you integrate the information. It becomes a part of you.

Here is a secret. You can't do this while you are doing something else. You can only process one piece of information this way at a time. If you are on your cell phone, the area that has your primary attention (ie, your cell phone) will have the information becomes integrated into your mental file system. Many people have a mental file system filled with pointless and meaningless information. How many videos of cats do we need in our minds? The problem is we are missing much of what is said and what is being told. People pour our hearts to us, be we are often preoccupied mentally or simply don't have the compassion to really give it the thought that is required. We have to do some mental work in order to really listen. Passive listening is just hearing, in order to really listen, you must actively think and process what is being said. That must be integrated into your existing knowledge for it to really get into your mind. Do the work, actually take the time and energy to listen to people. Only by listening can you build an understanding. Without understanding someone, you will never really be much of a help to them.

Want to Help People? Part 1: Stop Trying to Fix Them

     In my career, I have been a pastor, teacher, job coach, life coach, team leader, supervisor, and speaker. I have listened to a lot of people, taken and taught a lot of classes and I have come to one big realization. People want to help but are really, really bad at it. It is not entirely their fault, their hearts are in the right place. Most people have two glaring issues when it comes to helping people. The first is the most obvious, and that is the sin issue. We are all broken, and by nature, we are selfish and self-focused. Humans are born selfish. Look back a week or so for my post on being selfish. We are really focused on ourselves and most people are a little (or a lot) arrogant. The second issue is we have no idea how to really help people. We want to, our hearts are right, but our heads are wrong.

    I can't fix the first issue. If you are selfish (and you are) then you need Jesus (and you do). Jesus is the only way to fix the sin issue, not blog can do that. I hope you are walking in Jesus and He is the cure to your terminal disease of sin. What I want to tackle is the second issue. Now, I can't teach you everything you need to do in a single blog, but I can teach you what you need to stop doing. Chances are you are doing it already. Let me paint a picture.

    Let us imagine that I come to you with an issue. I am having trouble in my marriage (I'm not, but we are pretending). I tell you that my wife and I are distant, we don't really connect or talk. I don't feel like we know each other. We are not on the verge of divorce, but I tell you that I'm lonely and unhappy in my marriage. This is a pretty common complaint. It is one of those things that are private and I feel vulnerable telling you about them, so I clearly trust you. If I am telling you this, I may have never said it out loud before. Now that I have told you this, you respond with this:

    "Well here is what you need to do. First, you need to man up and take charge. Next, get this book I read by this Ph.D. guy and do all the stuff he says. Have you tried The 5 Love Languages by Dr. Chapman? How about The Love Dare? Maybe you and your wife should watch the movie....."

    None of this advice is bad advice. The books are good books, and there are lots of great resources on building and strengthening marriage. I could probably list a dozen or so I have seen, read, and used in my pastoral career. The availability of resources is not in question. If I needed resources, I would have asked for them, I probably would have just googled them myself. Notice in the example, I didn't ask for help. I didn't ask for advice. I just needed to talk.

    The truth is, people need reassurance and company in hard times more than they need answers. The answers are easy to find these days. I have an entire resources library at my fingertips more expansive than any other in the history of mankind. There are books, articles, blogs, podcasts, videos, and much more just a google search away. Don't take this the wrong way, but I don't need your advice on my marriage, I have scholars, experts, doctors, and Ph.Ds lined up to sell me and book or resource. There is no end to books to solve any issue you may have. The truth is (and please hear me for what I am saying) your job isn't to fix the other person. They don't need fixing, they need company, someone to walk with them.

    The first thing we need to do to help people is to just be a friend. We don't need to have the answers, the answers are easy to find. When a person is telling you about an issue, it is because they are in emotional pain. There is no simple fix for emotional pain. Until that pain subsides, they can't do the work on the problem. A broken person cannot fix a broken life. When a broken person comes to you and you tell them what to do, you are not helping them, you are piling it on. In my example, my issue was my marriage, and I already know that I am part of the problem. There are only 2 of us involved. You telling me all the things I need to do to fix it will increase my shame. Shame then leads to guilt and fear, which then leads to isolation. America is filled with people who are isolated because of guilt and shame.

    Now I haven't told you what to do next, that will come in the next blog. This is long enough, and I don't want to pour too much into one post today. I want to finish with the reason why fixing is our go-to and it is easy to do. It is simply because we are prideful and lazy. Fixing doesn't require us to get emotionally involved, we can stay detached and it is easy. It requires us to flex a little mental muscle, pretend we have all the answers, and simply tell someone what they should do. We don't have to get down into the trenches, there is no real commitment on our part. We just tell them what to do and how to do it and then we are done. Not really how we want to act as friends. If we want to help people, we have to get involved, we have to come alongside them. Telling them how to fix the issue is lazy and non-commital. I can't find it on the internet. If I come to you, I need a friend. Right now in our country, people need a friend!

Are You Seeking Happiness? Here is a Secret

 The American Dream is life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. We all want to be happy and we seek happiness, and I want to tell you the secret of being happy. Understand you can't always be happy. We have this notion sometimes that we need to always be in a perpetual state of happiness. You can't. Not only can you not, but you shouldn't. You should not be happy all the time. Let me explain.

First, happiness is an emotion. It comes from a variety of places, and if you are happy all the time, then you only experience one emotion. Life and health require a myriad of emotions. When something bad happens, you should be sad. You need to have fear and hope and anxiety and joy and sadness. All of these things work together to create a well-balanced individual. If you don't have the range of emotions, you will never really be healthy emotionally. We need all of the different parts of our being to be who we are intended to be. You need to have more than just happiness to be happy.

If all you felt is happy, that happiness would begin to dull. We enjoy the sun more after the rain. We enjoy the warmth after the cold. We enjoy food more after being hungry. Sadness and despair, while not enjoyable, give our happiness that sense of pleasure. Without the bad, we would not experience the good. It is the bad things in life that make us enjoy the good things. The hard times in life make us strong, make us better people. We need to bad to enjoy the good.

Finally, happiness is ultimately selfish. We experience things with and for other people. We worry, we grieve, we feel loss. We feel happy when others feel happy, but if we are focused on only feeling happy, that draws us to a sense of isolation. When happiness becomes the priority, it will ultimately drive us to see out things instead of people. In the end, the happiness we feel will become shallow and joyless. If you spend your life chasing happiness, you probably won't find it.

To really be happy, embrace your whole life. Embrace the sadness that comes, the pain, and the hurt. Deal with the heartache, face the trials and hard times. Learn from them, grow as a person. Find hope in the sadness and look for the ray of light in the gloom. Experience the good and the bad, and the bitter will heighten the experience of the sweet. By learning to embrace all of what God offers in life, then we will find those times when we experience happiness that we are really and truly happy.

Are You Selfish?

 Are you a selfish person? I have a test you can give yourself. It is very simple, but know it may upset you. Be warned before you read on, this is your trigger warning. You may find you are selfish. Here is the simple question. Do you speed when you drive? Do you drive faster than the posted speed limit? Unless you are driving an emergency vehicle on the way to an emergency, speeding is selfish. Let's unpack.

As a nation, we have laws and those laws govern the behavior of citizens to make sure there is safety and security. One of those laws that have been created to secure our country is the speed limit. It was decided how fast people should drive to make things safer. To have a secure society, we need to agree that we are going to follow the laws. Otherwise, our country would be in anarchy and chaos. The laws keep us all safe. By speeding, we are deciding we are not subject to the law, we are allowed to behave however we want. The only reason we speed is for a selfish reason. If we are late, then we speed because we are irresponsible. If we speed because we think we are more important, we are arrogant. If we do it because it's fun, we are reckless. There is no good reason to drive faster than the speed limit. In the end, they are all selfish and self-seeking reasons.

If you speed, then you are selfish. You may not be the most selfish person ever, but you are selfish. The truth is, we are all selfish. It is one of the traits that all humans share. We have to learn to share, to give, and to help. We are naturally selfish, but that is no excuse. Stop speeding. Criminal.

Attempting a Soft Reboot

 I will admit that I have been horrible about blogging. I logged in and looked and it has been almost a year since I wrote a blog. I had plans to write at least a few times a week. Then, I didn't write anything. I need to do better, and I have plans to try to do better. I have made some arrangements to get things in place to help me write. It has been difficult to find topics and themes to write about. The reality is, if I want to be serious about writing and publishing, I am going to have to write. I have been working on some things more and pushing myself to write more.

Things have been busy. I have started preaching at a little church close to where I teach. I took some classes over the summer and fall. There is teaching and then my life that keeps going. Things just happen, and I haven't been proactive enough about writing and blogging, and it has kind of fallen off. I want to try to do better, so my goal is to write more.

This goes with my theme for 2022. I usually write a blog just on my theme. My theme this year is "get to work". I need to buckle down and use my time and get things accomplished. I am not sure the best way to make sure I keep the drive and motivation, but that is my goal. I want to push forward and make sure I am moving towards my goals. If I just dream and sit around and wait for things to happen, I will never make any of them actually happen. I hope by putting this goal in writing and throwing it out there, I will be more motivated to get things written. Thank you all who visit my blog, read and contribute. I appreciate your connection and feedback. Here is to 2022, hopefully, it is a year full of positive, forward movement. Let's get it done!