Want to Help People? Part 1: Stop Trying to Fix Them

     In my career, I have been a pastor, teacher, job coach, life coach, team leader, supervisor, and speaker. I have listened to a lot of people, taken and taught a lot of classes and I have come to one big realization. People want to help but are really, really bad at it. It is not entirely their fault, their hearts are in the right place. Most people have two glaring issues when it comes to helping people. The first is the most obvious, and that is the sin issue. We are all broken, and by nature, we are selfish and self-focused. Humans are born selfish. Look back a week or so for my post on being selfish. We are really focused on ourselves and most people are a little (or a lot) arrogant. The second issue is we have no idea how to really help people. We want to, our hearts are right, but our heads are wrong.

    I can't fix the first issue. If you are selfish (and you are) then you need Jesus (and you do). Jesus is the only way to fix the sin issue, not blog can do that. I hope you are walking in Jesus and He is the cure to your terminal disease of sin. What I want to tackle is the second issue. Now, I can't teach you everything you need to do in a single blog, but I can teach you what you need to stop doing. Chances are you are doing it already. Let me paint a picture.

    Let us imagine that I come to you with an issue. I am having trouble in my marriage (I'm not, but we are pretending). I tell you that my wife and I are distant, we don't really connect or talk. I don't feel like we know each other. We are not on the verge of divorce, but I tell you that I'm lonely and unhappy in my marriage. This is a pretty common complaint. It is one of those things that are private and I feel vulnerable telling you about them, so I clearly trust you. If I am telling you this, I may have never said it out loud before. Now that I have told you this, you respond with this:

    "Well here is what you need to do. First, you need to man up and take charge. Next, get this book I read by this Ph.D. guy and do all the stuff he says. Have you tried The 5 Love Languages by Dr. Chapman? How about The Love Dare? Maybe you and your wife should watch the movie....."

    None of this advice is bad advice. The books are good books, and there are lots of great resources on building and strengthening marriage. I could probably list a dozen or so I have seen, read, and used in my pastoral career. The availability of resources is not in question. If I needed resources, I would have asked for them, I probably would have just googled them myself. Notice in the example, I didn't ask for help. I didn't ask for advice. I just needed to talk.

    The truth is, people need reassurance and company in hard times more than they need answers. The answers are easy to find these days. I have an entire resources library at my fingertips more expansive than any other in the history of mankind. There are books, articles, blogs, podcasts, videos, and much more just a google search away. Don't take this the wrong way, but I don't need your advice on my marriage, I have scholars, experts, doctors, and Ph.Ds lined up to sell me and book or resource. There is no end to books to solve any issue you may have. The truth is (and please hear me for what I am saying) your job isn't to fix the other person. They don't need fixing, they need company, someone to walk with them.

    The first thing we need to do to help people is to just be a friend. We don't need to have the answers, the answers are easy to find. When a person is telling you about an issue, it is because they are in emotional pain. There is no simple fix for emotional pain. Until that pain subsides, they can't do the work on the problem. A broken person cannot fix a broken life. When a broken person comes to you and you tell them what to do, you are not helping them, you are piling it on. In my example, my issue was my marriage, and I already know that I am part of the problem. There are only 2 of us involved. You telling me all the things I need to do to fix it will increase my shame. Shame then leads to guilt and fear, which then leads to isolation. America is filled with people who are isolated because of guilt and shame.

    Now I haven't told you what to do next, that will come in the next blog. This is long enough, and I don't want to pour too much into one post today. I want to finish with the reason why fixing is our go-to and it is easy to do. It is simply because we are prideful and lazy. Fixing doesn't require us to get emotionally involved, we can stay detached and it is easy. It requires us to flex a little mental muscle, pretend we have all the answers, and simply tell someone what they should do. We don't have to get down into the trenches, there is no real commitment on our part. We just tell them what to do and how to do it and then we are done. Not really how we want to act as friends. If we want to help people, we have to get involved, we have to come alongside them. Telling them how to fix the issue is lazy and non-commital. I can't find it on the internet. If I come to you, I need a friend. Right now in our country, people need a friend!