Wednesday, December 16, 2015

An Open Letter to the Cat

Dear Little Cat,
     You have been with us a couple of years now, so I thought you would understand by now, but I want to explain how things work. You see, you are not really performing in a satisfactory manor in the house and I want to share a few thoughts with you, help you step up your game. I was hoping the big cat and the dog would help you out, but you haven't seem to connect with them in healthy ways. The big cat hates you, the dog just ignores you now, until you attack him and then he engages you shortly. You then become snobbish and ignore the dog for months. Since you refuse to listen to them, let me run a few things by you.

First, we don't live on a farm and we don't keep stored grain outside the house. There is no real need for you to catch and kill every mouse, bird, baby rabbit around the property. They are fine outside, and we prefer for them to stay outside. The fact that you have brought in a few creatures and released them alive in the house is contrary to your function. We would like you to get rid of pests in the house, not reintroduce new ones. I know you many find it exciting to have wildlife inside to chase, but we prefer this to not be the case. We appreciate the bat that you caught, but leaving him to hide under the couch wasn't really a completed job. In the future, we can handle the bats, please leave the mice outside.

In addition, any small animals in the house that exist inside cages and enclosures were put there on purpose. We haven't had any hamsters since you came to live with us, mainly because you view them as your entertainment. They are not snacks or treats, and we would ask you please respect them as pets and not as fast food. In addition, the fish tank is not your water bowl and the fish is not there for you to taste and sample. He has been here longer than you, and we ask that you respect his place as a member of the family. He would also appreciate it if you stop slobbering in his filter.

As far as your interaction with the humans in the house, that leads me to my main point. There are several things you are doing which we would like you to stop and some things you won't do that would be nice if you could start. First off, 3:00 am is not the designated time for us to awake. Walking all around the house meowing as loud as you can until someone lets you out is not appreciated. Wanting back in 20 minutes later is also not appreciated. We will be up in the morning, the dog will want out and you can join him then. In fact, this is usually when you go out of the 2nd or 3rd time in the morning. If you could, please just wait until then.

Also, drinking from the fish tank loudly right after all the lights are turned off is frowned upon. Also, knocking all the items off the dresser or table, climbing in the window sill and climbing the clothes to get in the closet to knock everything down is also not appreciated, especially in the middle of the night. Any action that is loud and obnoxious after the lights are out are ill advised.

We wanted to talk to you a little about the food situation. There is special food we purchase for you, it's called cat food. It's in the cat food bowl on the cat house. This is your area to climb, scratch and eat your food. Getting in the sink to lick the dishes is not necessary, we can wash them, thank you. Getting on the table to get to the left overs is also not necessary. We are also able to wash the table, knocking over every glass of water is not really that helpful. It's the same water that is in your bowl and in the fish tank, there is no reason to drink it off the table after you knock it over. Also, the food on the bowl on the floor is for the dog. It's called dog food, and it's not for you. We are not sure why you eat it.

Lastly, you only have one role as a pet in this house. We don't need a mouser, we don't need an alarm clock or a table washer. We are ok with you eating cat food and using the litter box, we understand those are necessities. The eating until you are full and drinking water until you vomit is not appreciated, if you could do that outside it would be helpful. All we ask of you is to do the things the other pets do. Currently, the dog is laying beside me and the cat is laying on the other side. They enjoy the company of the humans, being pet and scratched. They interact with us ways that express love. The emotion that you express is often frustration, anger and resentment. The angry tone of meow that we receive when you are touched or held is not necessary. We do appreciate the few, occasional times that you have been an actual pet and shown some affection, but those times are rare, few and far between. The children really seem to love you, I can't understand why because you show them nothing but disdain. Please make more of an effort in this area, since as a house pet this is your one and only function.

As a family, we have committed to you, we feed you and house you and get you medical care. We have done our best to take care of you, and while we appreciate the occasion gift of dead or marginally alive vermin, that is not needed. What we would prefer is some affection and the ceasing of all the noted behaviors above. If any behavior is in question, if someone yells your name or simply screams "CAT", that is a good indication that behavior is not wanted. I understand you will not be reading this because while there is internet access in the house and access to the technology to find this, you are of course a cat and cannot read. You have been told most of these things, and it's clear that you don't understand.  All that aside, if you could read and did understand, being that you are a cat, one thing is clear. You simply would not care.

Everyone Else in the House

No comments:

Post a Comment