Saturday, December 6, 2014

A Look Inside the Depressed Soul

I have written several times about struggling with depression, I don't want to rehash all of that.  I want to consider for a moment if we were to take out my soul and dissect it, what would be find inside.

My soul looks no different than any other.  It's a reflection of who I am as a person, fragile yet resilient, tender but sometimes rude.  It longs to give but it can also take, it loves but can be overcome with rage.  The depression has caused it to be a darker shade, you can see by looking on the outside it's over come by some shadows of despair.  What would you expect to find filling such a soul?  Bitter poison?  Garbage, dark and foul sludge?  Is it full of hate and disgust?  What will be filling a soul of depression when looking inside.

Opening up my soul, there is nothing.  It's empty, no garbage, no sludge just a hollow, cacophonous void.  There are small spots in the corner of the remaining joy and hope.  There is a small puddle of bitterness, some anger splattered, all the human emotions but just trace amounts.  For the majority, it's just empty.  The air is stale, there is no movement or breeze.  It's just an empty space.

The soul longs for something to fill the empty space.  There is a longing for love and joy and peace to fill the gaps.  There was a time when emotions flowed in the soul more freely, but they have all dried up.  Only residue of their existence remains.  The is no reason, no blockage or structural defect that has caused the emptiness.  It just is, it's a reality that I have not found the key to repairing.

As I close my soul up, I ask myself, what is the answer?  How do I fill my soul again?  There are so many opinions, voices on the outside shouting at me, telling me what to do.  Fix my circumstances, just get over it, deal with my issues and stop feeling sorry for myself.  I have tried to get over it, tried food and exercise and medication.  The empty spaces remain.  Occasionally an emotion will run for a little while, but then dries up again.

I will continue on, to persevere with an empty space inside my soul.  I will go forward, whether I feel like it or not and seek the answer.  Maybe one day I'll find it, maybe I won't.  For now my companion is a hollow space that I long to fill with goodness.

1 comment:

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