I was once very critical of those who would quit church because someone hurt them. I had been hurt in church and I continued to attend. I served in church, I was involved and I put myself out there, feeling it was important to be at church. The hurt continued, and I continued to attend because, for me, the connection and community outweighed the hurt. It went on like that for me for a long time.
Until it stopped.
One day I realized my church didn't feel like a family. I was marginally connected. Work kept me away, I tried again and again but couldn't get connected. I was just attending, just spectating and I hated it. I became very detached, and I began to see and hear from many who felt this way all over the country. I began to notice the "it crowd" that I was once a part of, and the outside crowd that wasn't. I spoke up, I took notice.
And I was insulted and criticized for it.
The last straw for me was when I was insulted and told it was all my fault, I was a bad person, a bad husband, a crappy father. This person knows about me, but they don't know me but decided it was their responsibility to put me in my place. To make sure I knew my place. I was to fall in line with the expectations, to "get involved" even though I tried for years, it was my fault. This person sat behind me in church for most of my time there, so I suppose that gave them the knowledge to tell everyone on my social media how awful I am since they could see me every week. They didn't think I was as engaged as I should be, and I was a horrible example and I needed to shut up and fall in rank and file.
I broke. Attending any service at that church left me feeling battered, angry and isolated. All I see is fake smiles, knowing that I am being critiqued, they had already told me. I was informed that I don't cut it. I'm not acceptable to these people.
Now I could go find another church, but that requires me pulling my family away, they have had a very different experience than I have. I can't take my kids from a place they live to be, and I think the youth pastor is great. I enjoy the preaching but I'm just attending, just sitting and expending all my energy trying to forgive, be at peace and suppressing the urge to run. Being at the church is emotionally exhausting. If I go elsewhere, I drag my family away. If I don't go, then at least they go without me. I try to go, but at this point, I can't get the energy to even force myself. It might not be so bad, but my church experience over the last 8 years is being told why I don't measure up.
Now if every time you went to a family gathering, they told you why you sucked, would you want to go? How much would be too much? I struggle constantly with my needs and being/feeling selfish and my exhausted spirit. Knowing I'll never really be part of this church, I'll always be a spectator. I've shared this, many in the church know how I feel, and like I've shared, they have made me know how they feel. In the end, I feel alone, and I'm not alone in feeling alone.
As I have gone through the criticism, the rejection of the last 6 to 8 years, I've seen I'm not alone. The church in this country has hurt a lot of people. I'm not talking about accepting and accommodating sin. I'm not suggesting the church should "lower its standards" but I have seen a trend I find disturbing. The church is becoming a business, and that business is performing. We have moved from community to mega. The result is people have become spectators rather than participants. The focus is the stage, and growth has led our churches to a franchise. The church doesn't want people to serve, they want to serve the most people, so a business mindset, consumer model had appeared.
The result is the death of Christian discipleship, the death of Sunday School.
It's no secret I'm a Sunday School guy. The reason is simple when you do it right, it works. You can get people involved, they can serve and connect, you can tie outreach and fellowship and missions to Sunday School. It can drive the ministry of the church. We have abandoned it for lesser things. Small groups are great, but won't replace Sunday School. We have teaching classes with our popular leaders and teachers, but it won't replace Sunday School. Our discipleship time has become entertainment, where we think what we need is classes where people get up and lecture. We have forgotten the basics of teaching, that you teach by showing and doing together. You lead people to opportunity to serve and you walk with them. Jesus picked 12 guys and gave them jobs to do and roles to perform. Those 12 guys (minus one of them, who was replaced) taught other guys by doing ministry with them. They did the same, but now we have lectures, performances, and events. We don't serve, and even the service becomes a show.
Of course, these are generalized statements, and I'm sure I will get the typical feedback, that I need to quit complaining and get involved. I'm not worried about me, my heart breaks for all those who will never stick around long enough to get the criticism that will eventually chase them away. Those who came in and felt out of place and tried to connect and failed and left. They will probably never return to church. I'll go back to a church someplace at some point. Many of those left broken never will. They don't see a point, why risk it? Why risk being out of place, feeling alone and going somewhere that they are going to listen to someone who is going to be on a podcast in a few days? As much as I love my Pastor, I can listen to hundreds of sermons all week long. I can listen to him, I can listen to Chuck Swindoll or David Jeremiah or Alister Begg (who I really enjoy). I can get Bible teaching online, on the radio, on the tv. I have Christian friends I see and talk too, so I don't forsake assembling together, so why attend a place that makes me miserable? We need to realize that there are many, many asking themselves that question. They can get teaching, preaching and fellowship outside the church, at a higher quality than the local church can offer them.
Here is my question, as you think of all your critical remarks for me for writing them, for those who are not attending (and not tithing), why should they come to your church? What benefit does it have for them? Sure, it gives you a bigger congregation, more help (if you ever need it and don't use your inner core group), and more giving units. People coming to your church helps you and helps your church, but does being in your church benefit them? Are they encouraged, restored, rested and uplifted? Don't ask the people who are there, ask those who have left, if you can still find them. Ask the people who are hurting them, not the person who leaves the critical and hateful comments on their social media.
Just a thought.
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