Monday, March 13, 2017

Depression Sucks

So I have depression. It's not seasonal or situational (those sucks too) but full out family history, passed down, I have my family for this, chronic depression. I have been diagnosed with "you probably won't get better, so let's just manage this" depression. It's been around as long as I can remember, and it makes me crazy. It doesn't make me sad, I can handle sad. I can overcome sad. It makes me angry and my brain doesn't work right and I can't make myself do the things. Things I like to do become things I'm unable to do.

I pray a lot and say "why, why do I have this? Why do I have to suffer from this thing that I can't fix? Why can't I have something that shows up on an X ray and we can treat and it goes away? This won't go away. I've seen doctors and counselors and many Pastors. I've been a Pastor, I know what they say cause I say it. I've taken my own advice and it helps some and sometimes.

I'm in this season, it's the "now I'm 40 and my body is mad about it" season. The ankle issues I've had for 25 years have finally caused arthritis and bursitis and a spinal fusion. I have lots of chronic pain, I can't do stuff that I use to do anymore. Chronic depression and chronic pain do not mix well. I'm having a hard time, and it's a daily struggle. The question I come back to is this, what am I learning? God isn't wasting my infirmities, there is a reason for all this stuff that sucks. What is the reason? What do I need to learn? I want to share that with you. Otherwise, this is a post all about me whining.

First lesson, I'm not the Lone Ranger. It's ironic that even the Lone Ranger wasn't alone, Tonto was his companion. Han Solo wasn't Solo, he had Chewbacca. We aren't suppose to do this alone. I try quite often. You can ask my wife, I don't open up very much and I tend to isolate. It's bad and I can't do it. I can't make myself do the things I'm supposed to do, I need help. I need brothers and sisters, friends and companions to help me. We all need help. If you don't get help, you will fail alone. Even the Army figured out "an army of one" was a stupid idea.

Next lesson, you won't get anywhere denying you need help. The "no one gave me anything" attitude is stupid, you wouldn't have survived infancy. You had help. Someone, somewhere did stuff for you that you couldn't pull off alone. Give it up, you need help. You need a Savior first, cause your sin has already condemned you. You need the Holy Spirit to empower you. You need other Christians because you can't be the Body of Christ by yourself. You need people and so do I. Time to get over yourself.

Last of all, you don't have all the answers, quit playing like you do. You lack some of the knowledge that exists in the universe. There are things you don't understand. There are things you will never understand. That idea drives secular humanist science gurus crazy, but it's just reality. There are things you can't explain and you can't fix. Deal with it. Except the reality that infinity is greater than you and you can't contain its knowledge. It's ok, we all lack and are inadequate. I'm inadequate, there are things I don't know and don't understand. I don't like it, but it's true.

I'll keep learning things as long as I struggle, which will be as long as I live. I'll share them with you and I hope you will share some things with me too. It's hard to live in this fallen, messed up world. I think we can make it if we trust God and do this together.

1 comment:

  1. I've got you in my prayers and thoughts. I do have to say that you are in good company as a pastor who struggles against depression. My brother used to say that suffering seems to be a necessity for pastors to minister well. I'm certain this is gor a purpose. I know you have ministered to me often. As we are still in seperate parts of the kingdom, i know something you can do and i need lots of it - pray. I'm preaching for the next 2 sundays and it is exciting and scary... haven't done it in a while.