Sunday, July 11, 2010

1 A.M.

Do you ever have the greatest thoughts at like 1 am and then lose it by the time you are ready to blog? That is totally my life. I sat around last night and thought about all the stuff I wanted to blog about, and I almost came down to blog it, but I didn't. Now I am sitting here in the couch and I can't remember for the life of me what it was I was going to say.

I am trying to adjust to my life with a neurological disorder. For those of you who read my blog and don't know (which I know is many of you), I have dystemic disorder. Dystemic disorder is related to bi-polar, but it only goes one direction. It's also called mono-polor, people who are dystemic either go manic or depressive. I get depressed. I have struggled with depression my whole life. I remember being depressed at 17 and 18 and not even understanding that I was depressed. I was depressed at 24 but in total denial. I was depressed at 28 and 29, but by that time I admitted it.

I struggle with the diagnoses and the idea of being flawed, of having nothing I can do about it is not the problem. It's the stigma of depression. It's like the Christian community believes that if you have Jesus, you should never be depressed. Anti-depressants are seen as little pills of no-faith, and I struggle with that. I guess it comes down that I worry too much what people think of me.

So the issue became pride and self centered-ness. I care too much what people thing, want to please people and do all the things that get me kudos. If God gave me this burden to carry, I should share it with the community, but I don't. It makes me wonder how large my Christian community really is. Perhaps it's not as big as I would like to think it is. As you read this, I hope it grows a little (knowing the community of folks who reads my blog is pretty small). I hope this confession helps you and inspires you a little in your own struggle with whatever your burden is.

1 comment:

  1. They diagnosed Tony with adolescent Bi Polar. Strangely enough, their was a real relief in knowing much of what was going on with him was not about our failure as parents. And I think it was a relief for Tony too. He could put some kind of understanding to all the emotions that were so much bigger than he was.

    You know Dan, the Bible says it rains on the just and on the unjust. We can never explain why or make sense of it. . But this I have learned in my own fractured life. The trials have kept me close to Jesus. Depemdemt upon Him. At this stage of life, I really have come to that place where like James I can be grateful for the treasures that have been given to me in the darkness.

    So if I could offer any encouagement it is simply this ...Jesus is able ...during those times when your heart screams enough... Jesus is able. During the times when the load seems unbearably heavy...Jesus is able. During those times when your knuckles ae white from hanging on...Jesus is able.

    Know that the Lord will always place Aarons and Hurs to help you when the load gets especially heavy. It rains on the just and the unjust. Christians aren't exempt from suffering and all of us have crosses we bear.

    We love you very much! Please know your thorn in the flesh will not keep me from theological debates however. I figure if it is good enough for Peter and Paul, its good enough for the rest of us. But know too that we value you like much fine gold!