2013 Theme

Well, it's almost the end of January, and I think I have settled on a theme for 2013.  My theme for this year is "Don't lose sleep over it".  I am going to live in a way to not violate my conscience and do things I stress over or feel guilty about.  2012 was a hard year, and I don't want to rehash it lest I get myself in trouble for saying things I'm not allowed to say.  Much of what happened in 2012 left sleepless nights and stress and struggles and hurts.  I am not going to repeat that in 2013, I am going to stop playing games and just live life the way I know is right.

So here is my visual picture.  I am going to get a nice creeper, the rolling things mechanics lay on to roll under cars.  I am going to strap it too my back.  It will do two things, first no one will be able to stab me in the back, cause I have the creeper protecting me.  Then, if someone throws me under the bus, I can just hang on and roll with it.  Ya feel me?  Just roll with it.

Thanks for everyone who has read my blog and prayed for me.  I have made my share of mistakes and I did some things wrong in the last few years.  I take full responsibility for my actions, but I am done being the fall guy for the failure of others.  I am just gonna roll with it.  Anyone wanna roll with me?

House Church thoughts

As I talked with a good friend of mine today, we talked about experiences of true fellowship. Sharing the joy of our salvation in a group and praising God. I think a church should be a place to share with others, and I am not sure we have created that in the existing, traditional, institutional church. We have squelched too much interaction and scripted too much.

In the early church, they were sharing, bringing scripture, testimony, songs and prayers. They gave of themselves, and their giving all went to the relief of the saints. They never did rolls, they didn't pass a plate, there was no greeting time or alter call. It was so much more natural. They didn't need instructions. Do we have that today?

In the early church, there were no Children's programs, no youth groups, no couples classes, just the church. They were all together, they all learned and grew. There wasn't this idea of a simple class or a complex or advanced class. They were together.

Does not having this sort of structure help us today? Are we spiritually in a better place than the early church? Why do places that have the simple, house church idea thrive, while we have all this freedom and are dying? Maybe we have missed something.

Forgiveness- an open letter,

There is an old song by Don Henley, he said "I've been trying to get down to the heart of the matter, and my will gets weak and my thoughts seem to scatter but I think it's about forgiveness."  I can tell you it's all about forgiveness.  I want to write a letter that is going to apply to multiple areas in my life.  I am thinking generally, with some specifics.  Read this as the cry of my heart and not as a letter "TOO" someone, because it might just be to you. . . but probably lot.  Some of those who inspired this letter are now gone, which causes heartache.  It's time I write this for everyone to read, because part of it may be for you.

To You:

I have wronged you in some ways.  We don't agree and we don't see eye to eye.  We are as different is the day is long and that's ok.  In some ways it was a good thing, but in many ways it was a bad thing.  I  am sorry for the ways I was wrong, for the things I have done wrong and the ways I hurt you.  I am far from perfect and in many way, I am weak.  I have found solace in knowing that Christ's strength is perfected in my weakness, He has so many opportunities to be strong in my life.  I am easily overwhelmed, I don't take criticism well, I am often in over my head, but I didn't ask for help, I didn't communicate well, and I made a lot of mistakes When things ended, I tried so hard to do everything right, but things came out so wrong.  I am not going to say anymore how, because I have been told over and over how wrong I have been in sharing my hurts, so I won't.  I will just say it didn't go how I thought it would go.

In the same way, I have to forgive. This is transparency, I feel like I need to admit my faults so I can be prayed for.  A wise man told me that once, and the scripture is clear on that.  I have been bombarded with scripture, some that has healed me, and sometime we try to weaponise scripture, but I've seen so much damage and abuse done to scripture that it hurts me.  The amount of isogesis that happens when people conflict with scripture as a weapon is staggering.  I think you did a lot wrong.  I think you continue to do many things very wrong, but it's not my job to fix them.  It's not my place to point them out anymore, you have people to do that for you.  I have seen things you did that hurt others, I have seen you do damage to scripture, do damage in teaching and I don't agree with some of your theological teaching.  I think you are wrong, and I am concerned about it.

I want you to know I forgive you.  I hope you forgive me too.  I have tried really hard to always be honest, feel like I was then flooded in half truths, untruths and political maneuvering.  It's ok because I'm moving on.  I'm healing, I'm better, it's taken years and decades, and also months and weeks and days and hours..  I love you and I hope and pray that everything goes great in the future.  In may ways I miss you, but in many ways I know the less we are in contact, the better.

Feeling Great

I have been struggling, writing has been a great healer for me. The time I have spent with good friends and my family. It's a new year and i'm moving forward. Thank so much for everyone's support and prayer. There is still lots of trials and struggles ahead, but that conforms us to the image of Christ.

The Hiding Makes Me Frusterated

I have a struggle today. There is something that I can't really share or talk about because a decision was made for me. People see that choice and they believe I am irresponsible and I don't take care of my family. In reality, the choice was made for me, I was hurt and wounded and the arrows continue to fall. It was said it's for my good, but if it was for my good, why is it so bad? I can't talk about it, things are hidden, is that good? I don't feel like I am being honest by being a scape goat. I'm frustrated but trying.

The Switchbacks

So I had a dream that I was walking up a mountain road, switchback after switchback. The road was well maintained, but the sides were steep and covered with sharp rocks of all sizes. As I walked up the mountain, something came and knocked me off the road and I tumbled down the rocks. I was cut and bruised and hurting as I got up and looked at where I fell from. I was close to the road below, and I could easily walk down a little ways and get back on the road, but instead I decided to try to climb back up the steep and rocky hill to the place I was. I didn't want to lose ground, so I struggled and fell and pushed and tried to climb.

During the midst of my climb, I realized what a fool I was being. I needed to get back on the road, not attempt to scale the steep hill. It would cause me to lose some ground, but it would be more effective to walk along the road. Climbing was getting me nowhere. I turned and carefully made my way down to the road and began to walk again.  Back on the road once again, I began to walk back to where I was, saving myself a tremendous amount of pain and suffering.

I realized that I have been living this dream out. I have been fighting to try to get back to the place I was.  I have pushed myself to climb a path that is not a path at all. Walking the narrow road may be difficult, but taking a short cut is impossible. The narrow road is long and winding full of switchbacks, and sometimes there are setbacks. We must stay on the path and continue the course without trying to get ahead of ourselves, take a short cut or find a better way. The road is the place to be. Blessings for the journey.

The Torment of Melancholy

Charles H. Spurgeon has the mal-order of melancholy.  He didn't like it, in fact he loathed it, and I think he experiences the same issues I struggle with.  I have dreams and goals and projects.  I am writing a couple books, have a theological idea, a non-profit envisioned, a personal calling, a goal and lots of small projects along the way.  My depression so often cripples me from getting them done.  I can't explain why I can't just push through with willpower, I don't even understand it myself.  To try to explain it to someone who doesn't experience depression is impossible.  I can't understand why I can't snap myself, I can't put the debilitation into words.  I can usually force myself through the have-tos, like going to work and eating.  I can sometimes push myself through the shoulds, but the wants tos always fall by the wayside.

Here is my second issue, the more things get neglected, the more I become angry at myself.  I become so enraged at my lack of ability to get thing accomplished that I begin to spiral into a pit.  I think CHS experienced in his spiral of depression.  I think he found places where he was angry at himself.  It makes me so frustrated when people look at me and say I just have a lazy spirit of entitlement, that I just don't want to try and don't want to work.  In reality I am as prideful as every American male who wants to work hard and be successful.  More than that, I have dreams and passions to see people find a place in ministry, and I am driven by a desire to make a difference.  Yet here I sit again, crippled on the road side.

Do you struggle with depression?  Maybe we should meet, talk about it or something.  Maybe it would help to have a depression meeting to talk about how we strengthen each other.  I don't know of any other answer anymore,  Let's pray for each other, maybe we can fight against this thing that holds us captive.