7/30/2018
Dearest Heavenly Father,
I am writing to you today on my blog because I want to encourage others and be humble and transparent before you and them. You have seen me struggle over the last few years. I have cried out because I have been hurt and I have felt abandoned. I set out to serve you in full-time vocational ministry, and when that dream ended and seemed to die, I felt lost. I didn't know what to do, I didn't really even know who I was anymore. I was going to stay where I was for years, at least until my kids were graduated, it was hard at times and I struggled, but I thought I could manage. I guess I couldn't, because just like that and it was gone. I went from job to job, looking for some kind of purpose and meaning. I failed each time, trying to do my own thing but unable to get any traction. On top of that, I knew about the slander that was being set about me by people who claimed they cared about me. I was being mocked and insulted and there was nothing I could say or do about it. I was hurt. I was heartbroken, depressed, and despondent.
I felt rejected, and I felt ultimately I was rejected by you. I felt a call in my life to serve you, so I set out to do that, but I failed. I was even told I wasn't cut out to be in ministry. The one thing I had focused my efforts on for more than 20 years, and I was told I wasn't cut out for it, that I should pursue education. During this time, I became bitter, my heart grew hard and cold and I sinned in my anger. I was angry, incredibly angry and with no way to get rid of that anger, I pushed it down. I couldn't talk to anyone about it, I had to keep everything locked inside. As I choked on my bitterness and rage, I became more and more selfish. I didn't understand why this was happening, I couldn't understand why you felt so far away. You seemed silent and painfully absent. I lashed out, mostly at the church. I looked at the church as the people who wronged me, who took away my purpose and my joy. In reality, I wasn't mad at them. I was mad at you.
I don't know why all this happened, and I don't know why you have led me here. I start this fall to be an English Teacher in Correctionville, Iowa. I am thrilled about it, and I know that I can do all the things you have called me to do in the classroom, just in a different way. I thought I understood when I was applying for jobs and the Christian School offered a job teaching English and Bible, and I was so encouraged until they wouldn't return any of my phone calls or emails. I didn't understand the rejection I felt I was getting, the void in heart continued to grow, and I have really struggled. I'm still really struggling, but I think I have found a little bit of joy and peace in the situation.
I am a failure, of that I am sure. I have failed and I have lost and I have been disgraced. I am sure I needed to have those things happen, to become more like Christ. I have lost the job, the career that I loved, but it may not be forever. I may resume it some day. I have been hurt and mocked, slandered and ridiculed and it has made me humble. I understand now that I am a failure and nothing that comes from me is worth much of anything without your hand on it. I understand that I am nowhere near as self-sufficient as I want or wish I was. I know that I am frail and weak and fragile. I know that I am weak and you are strong and I need to have your strength to survive.
I have been wrong, I have sinned against you, your people and your church. I have been angry and in that anger, I have sinned. I have been bitter, spiteful, envious, and arrogant. I ask that you and your people forgive me for the way I have handled the situation. I should have taken the example from Paul, as he was persecuted, slandered, thrown in prison, and in chains, he still rejoiced and praised your name. I am resolved to serve you and your people where I am, where you put me and where I find myself. I will do what I am called, what I am asked, and what I am handed. I am sorry for my attitude and my obstinant behavior. I repent of my behavior, and I ask for you to forgive me. Amen.
Your adopted son through Christ,
Dan
