Relationships, are you a cinder block or a lego?

How do you connect with people? What I want to talk about today is relationships, not just romantic relationships but connections. Friendships and family. How do you connect? There are different types of connections and I have a couple ways to explain it. In our relationships, we can be like a cinder block, a brick, railroad ties stacked on one another to make a wall. We are close, we are in proximity but we aren't connected. Bricks usually don't touch, they are held together with mortar, so there is always a little distance between them. Sure, they are together and they function, they are part of the whole, but they are not connected.

Another example is legos, puzzle pieces, even that laminate flooring that looks like wood. These things all have parts that connect with each other. They get locked together. Ever had those legos get stuck so tight you couldn't get them apart? Maybe you have finished a puzzle and used some of that puzzle glue and then framed it? I had a Star Wars, and Empire Strikes Back and a Return of the Jedi puzzle, all three glued and hung in my apartment in college. The pieces fit together, they stayed that way. These things are connected, but if you notice, they go together more intentionally. Bricks just get put down, there is no rhyme or reason. A puzzle piece is very specific, the right lego goes in the right place to build the structure. Things are intentional, they fit together and they function in a much more imaginative way.

Of course, there is the middle between two. The colored tile that forms a pattern, but the pieces don't really connect or interlock. They make a good pattern, but they are not connected in a unit. They are simply complementary pieces in proximity. We can find purpose in these types of relationships, but we are not truly connected.

So which type of relationships do you have? This is how you know, what happens if you leave the place that has you connected? When you leave a job, do you stay connected to coworkers? When you leave a church, do you stay connected to the members? When they leave, are you still communicating? I'm not taking social media either, I'm talking about connecting, talking on the phone, meeting in person, dealing with life issues. Not liking the picture of their dog on Facebook. Real, authentic connection, the type that lasts. It's a relationship you don't have with others, you just fit.

It's important to find that person and to stay connected. I hope there are several people like that in your life, ones you are connected too so significantly that nothing can break the bond. They will always be part of you, they will always be on your mind, in your heart. Those people give us a sense of community, a sense of belonging. The people who are bricks are valuable, they support us and are with us, but they are not the key relationship in our lives. Brick will come and go, but those lego pieces, the puzzle pieces, they need to be in your lives.

How To Stop School Shootings

It's an ambition title I realize, but with all the debate, I think it's time for a little honesty here. We have talked about gun control, security, background checks, mental health but none of those things are the answer. Violent video games and movies aren't the issues, comic books or graphic novels aren't to blame, in fact, there is no object, program, or event that we can point too. We have created the issue of what causes school shootings and it took years and years to get to where we are. It didn't happen overnight, it didn't happen because of a lack of funding for mental health or because of 30 round magazines. There was a progress that happened.

First, we removed the ability of kids to deal with hardship and adversity. They don't know how to lose or how to fail. Everyone has a good self-esteem, so when they don't, they don't have any coping skills or coping mechanism. Next, students have been abandoned, they are living in single-parent homes, split and blended family and kids are so busy they can't connect and have real relationships at home. They no longer taught about respect, and as a result, there is a lack of respect. Many of the youth today believe that they should be respected by adults before they show the adult respect. That isn't the way this is supposed to work.

Youth are told their feelings are the most important things. They should be safe from being emotionally hurt, they shouldn't be triggered, they should be able to choose their gender. They are told they can be whatever they want, and they shouldn't have to work or struggle for it, that they should be taken care of. There is another opportunity for them to miss having coping skills. They don't know how to handle their anger or their disappointment. They can't cope, and they don't cherish life. They believe in abortion, they embrace evolution and they see no real value in life. They are overwhelmed with her feelings and nothing to hold it in check. The get a weapon and they kill others.

There is a long way to go to get back to where we need to be. We need to value people, not marginalize people. We need to value life and freedom, but we need to teach hardship and show students that they can fail and it's ok. Students need to experience heartbreak, they need to lose games and fail at tasks, it's the only way to learn. They need to learn coping skills, how to deal with rage and anger and bitterness. Finally, they need to understand they can't control or change whatever they want. Some things just are the way they are. They need to learn respect, the value of hard work and how to be the bigger person in a hard situation. We have failed to teach our kids to become good people and now they are shooting each other at school.

We can't fix this with a law or armed guards, but it's how we fix it. It's not quick or easy or simple, but it wasn't quick or easy or simple that got us here. It was a long, ugly and nasty road that led us to where we have found ourselves. It's time to move back to where we need to be.