Feeling Great

I have been struggling, writing has been a great healer for me. The time I have spent with good friends and my family. It's a new year and i'm moving forward. Thank so much for everyone's support and prayer. There is still lots of trials and struggles ahead, but that conforms us to the image of Christ.

The Hiding Makes Me Frusterated

I have a struggle today. There is something that I can't really share or talk about because a decision was made for me. People see that choice and they believe I am irresponsible and I don't take care of my family. In reality, the choice was made for me, I was hurt and wounded and the arrows continue to fall. It was said it's for my good, but if it was for my good, why is it so bad? I can't talk about it, things are hidden, is that good? I don't feel like I am being honest by being a scape goat. I'm frustrated but trying.

The Switchbacks

So I had a dream that I was walking up a mountain road, switchback after switchback. The road was well maintained, but the sides were steep and covered with sharp rocks of all sizes. As I walked up the mountain, something came and knocked me off the road and I tumbled down the rocks. I was cut and bruised and hurting as I got up and looked at where I fell from. I was close to the road below, and I could easily walk down a little ways and get back on the road, but instead I decided to try to climb back up the steep and rocky hill to the place I was. I didn't want to lose ground, so I struggled and fell and pushed and tried to climb.

During the midst of my climb, I realized what a fool I was being. I needed to get back on the road, not attempt to scale the steep hill. It would cause me to lose some ground, but it would be more effective to walk along the road. Climbing was getting me nowhere. I turned and carefully made my way down to the road and began to walk again.  Back on the road once again, I began to walk back to where I was, saving myself a tremendous amount of pain and suffering.

I realized that I have been living this dream out. I have been fighting to try to get back to the place I was.  I have pushed myself to climb a path that is not a path at all. Walking the narrow road may be difficult, but taking a short cut is impossible. The narrow road is long and winding full of switchbacks, and sometimes there are setbacks. We must stay on the path and continue the course without trying to get ahead of ourselves, take a short cut or find a better way. The road is the place to be. Blessings for the journey.

The Torment of Melancholy

Charles H. Spurgeon has the mal-order of melancholy.  He didn't like it, in fact he loathed it, and I think he experiences the same issues I struggle with.  I have dreams and goals and projects.  I am writing a couple books, have a theological idea, a non-profit envisioned, a personal calling, a goal and lots of small projects along the way.  My depression so often cripples me from getting them done.  I can't explain why I can't just push through with willpower, I don't even understand it myself.  To try to explain it to someone who doesn't experience depression is impossible.  I can't understand why I can't snap myself, I can't put the debilitation into words.  I can usually force myself through the have-tos, like going to work and eating.  I can sometimes push myself through the shoulds, but the wants tos always fall by the wayside.

Here is my second issue, the more things get neglected, the more I become angry at myself.  I become so enraged at my lack of ability to get thing accomplished that I begin to spiral into a pit.  I think CHS experienced in his spiral of depression.  I think he found places where he was angry at himself.  It makes me so frustrated when people look at me and say I just have a lazy spirit of entitlement, that I just don't want to try and don't want to work.  In reality I am as prideful as every American male who wants to work hard and be successful.  More than that, I have dreams and passions to see people find a place in ministry, and I am driven by a desire to make a difference.  Yet here I sit again, crippled on the road side.

Do you struggle with depression?  Maybe we should meet, talk about it or something.  Maybe it would help to have a depression meeting to talk about how we strengthen each other.  I don't know of any other answer anymore,  Let's pray for each other, maybe we can fight against this thing that holds us captive.

Confession- Bitterness

Sometimes at night I lay awake and thing about my life, and I realized the other night I still have some bitterness about things that have happened.  Growing up, I was unpopular.  I am not sure how it when it happened that I became the picked on one.  I was never real competitive  never real athletic and never in the popular crowd.  I can't tell when it happened or why it happened, but my the time I was in 7th grade, I was officially a nerd.  I was picked on, harassed  teased and bullied most of my middle and early high school years.  Even in my group of friends, I was often the butt of the joke.  I was teased and pushed and harassed most of my middle school and much of my high school time, until I was a junior.  I have never been the best, not really the worst, always someplace in the middle.  In the middle of the band, in the middle of the pack, in the middle of the rankings.

I had several people who hurt me in significant ways as I have grown and into my adult life.  I have done my best to forgive them and try to move on, but I realized the other day that I am still harboring a great deal of bitterness and anger.  The only fist fight I was ever in (and lost) I wish I could do back, because I could have won but I quit before it was over.  May times I was wronged and I didn't stand up for myself.  There are many people who I wish I could broadcast how they hurt me to get revenge.  It's wrong and I need to get over it.

The problem with bitterness is that it's sneeky.  It's hard to get rid of, sometimes you don't even know it's there.  Things that are long sense gone are still down in my soul, and even writing about them right now I get a sick feeling in my gut.  Remembering the things in my past that hurt, they cause me to have pain, and letting go of that pain is not easy.

We serve a God who loves us no matter what, but we live in a world that is very conditional.  Our jobs are based on performance, our grades, our ranking, our awards.  We reward success and we celebrate achievement, but none of us are good at everything, so we are often in the middle and sometimes in the bottom.  We have been hurt by being not good enough, or sometimes just good enough but not excellent.  Are you hurt today by being just good enough?

I have begun to really pray about my damaged heart and my soul that is hiding the pockets of bitterness.  There is no easy way to get rid of it, no quit solution.  Confession, repentance, prayer and deliberate forgiveness begin the process, but it's slow going.  I know it will be worth it in the end, I just have to make it to the end.

Getting a Shot in the Head

A Review- A Shot of Faith (To the Head)

I am not a huge fan of apologetics most of the time.  I love apologetics, don't get me wrong, but I don't often use it.  I don't believe that people can be argued to faith.  This book, however, I really enjoyed.  Partially because it appeals to that part of me that is nerdy and loves to think about these issues.  The other part, however, is that there is much use in helping young believers understand the truth behind the myriad of garbage spewed by the cranky atheist.

There is so much being published about "proof" coming from science that is totally unprovable.  This book takes a great hard time about the lack of science in the modern atheist who claims to use science.  It is great for a Christian who is struggling with faith in this age that seems to shoot holes in the concepts of Creationism, Theism and the Supernatural.

This is an easy and enjoyable read and a great book.  I enjoyed it, check it out.  I don't recommend a lot of books on apologetics, but check this one out, it's a good read!

The House Church- The Beginning

Well Elaine and I are going to plant a house church, and it's a glorious and nerve wracking experience at the same time.  The basic plan is this:

Begin the house church with a small group.  From 10:30-11, time for the kids.  All the kids and adults are together, an adult tells the story, some of the other adults help and engage and help the kids.  This goes until 11:00 and the kids go to another area to work on a project or a craft.  At this point, the adults will begin Bible Study and worship time.  A leader or a couple will lead off in the teaching time and having time for prayer requests and sharing.  After the Bible Study, there will be a lunch and a time of meal and sharing together.

As this group grows, we will pray about the individual or couple to become the next house church leader.  After some one on one time with the existing house church leader for some training and sharing, a new house church will be formed.  The process begins all over again, new group with the similar structure, adding more and more churches in the network.

Once a month, all the churches in the network will meet together for a copperplate time of worship.  The network will also partner for mission projects, in missions giving and support.  Each home church is led by an Elder, and those Elders meet together once a week to discuss, have prayer and support one another.

This is the vision that Elaine and I feel like God has given us.  Right now, we are praying and seeking God, talking to the kids and what will happen and getting the house put together (new place, we've moved)  I hope you will join us in prayer as we begin this new adventure.