The Torment of Melancholy

Charles H. Spurgeon has the mal-order of melancholy.  He didn't like it, in fact he loathed it, and I think he experiences the same issues I struggle with.  I have dreams and goals and projects.  I am writing a couple books, have a theological idea, a non-profit envisioned, a personal calling, a goal and lots of small projects along the way.  My depression so often cripples me from getting them done.  I can't explain why I can't just push through with willpower, I don't even understand it myself.  To try to explain it to someone who doesn't experience depression is impossible.  I can't understand why I can't snap myself, I can't put the debilitation into words.  I can usually force myself through the have-tos, like going to work and eating.  I can sometimes push myself through the shoulds, but the wants tos always fall by the wayside.

Here is my second issue, the more things get neglected, the more I become angry at myself.  I become so enraged at my lack of ability to get thing accomplished that I begin to spiral into a pit.  I think CHS experienced in his spiral of depression.  I think he found places where he was angry at himself.  It makes me so frustrated when people look at me and say I just have a lazy spirit of entitlement, that I just don't want to try and don't want to work.  In reality I am as prideful as every American male who wants to work hard and be successful.  More than that, I have dreams and passions to see people find a place in ministry, and I am driven by a desire to make a difference.  Yet here I sit again, crippled on the road side.

Do you struggle with depression?  Maybe we should meet, talk about it or something.  Maybe it would help to have a depression meeting to talk about how we strengthen each other.  I don't know of any other answer anymore,  Let's pray for each other, maybe we can fight against this thing that holds us captive.